- The prevalence of domestic violence among Gay and Lesbian couples is approximately 25 - 33%. It is as common as it is in heterosexual relationships. (Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 25.)
- Each year, between 50,000 and 100,000 Lesbian women and as many as 500,000 Gay men are battered. (Murphy, Queer Justice: Equal Protection for Victims of Same-Sex Domestic Violence, 30 Val. U. L. Rev. 335 (1995).)
- While same-sex battering mirrors heterosexual battering both in type and prevalence, its victims receive fewer protections. (Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 24.)
- Seven states define domestic violence in a way that excludes same-sex victims; 21 states have sodomy laws that may require same-sex victims to confess to a crime in order to prove they are in a domestic relationship. (Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 24.)
- Same-sex batterers use forms of abuse similar to those of heterosexual batterers. They have an additional weapon in the threat of "outing" their partner to family, friends, employers or community. (Lundy, Abuse That Dare Not Speak Its Name: Assisting Victims of Lesbian and Gay Domestic Violence in Massachusetts, 28 New Eng. L. Rev. 273 (Winter 1993).
- By 1994, there were over 1,500 shelters and safe houses for battered women. Many of these shelters routinely deny their services to victims of same-sex battering. (Murphy, Queer Justice: Equal Protection for Victims of Same-Sex Domestic Violence, 30 Val. U. L. Rev. 335 (1995).
Myths and Facts
- Myth: Abuse/battering that occurs in same-gender relationships is usually mutual.
Fact: It might appear to be mutual, but it is not. It is a cycle of violence that includes control and domination by one of the partners. Many victims will attempt to defend themselves by fighting back. - Myth: Same-gender domestic violence is sexual behavior, a version of sadomasochism. The victims actually like it and agree to it.
Fact: Domestic violence is not sexual behavior. In S&M relationships, there is usually some contract or agreement about the limits and boundaries of the behavior, even when pain is involved. Domestic Violence involves no such contract. Domestic violence is abuse. - Myth: Domestic violence primarily occurs among LGBT people who hang out at bars, are poor, or are people of color.
Fact: Domestic violence is a non-discriminatory phenomenon; victims as well as violent and abusive offenders come from all walks of life, all ethnic groups, all Battering has long been one of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community's best kept secrets.
Similarities and Differences to same-gender relationships
In some ways, violence in same-gender relationships resembles violence in heterosexual relationships:
- Violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological or verbal.
- The purpose of abuse is to get and maintain control and power over one's intimate partner.
- The abused may feel isolated, terrified, and debilitated by the violence.
- Abuse does not happen all the time, it often occurs in a cyclical fashion.
- Unpredictable attacks are a part of the tyranny.
- The victim/survivor may feel as if s/he cannot do anything right.
- Domestic violence can be lethal.
- The myth persists that abuse is a relationship problem and may be mutual.
- A sense of entitlement exists among perpetrators; they believe that they havethe right to empower themselves by over powering others.
- Abuse in the home severely impacts the children living in that home, whether or not they are the direct recipient of the abuse.
- Substance abuse may make domestic violence more dangerous and damaging.
In other ways, however, violence in same-gender relationships differs from violence in heterosexual relationships:
- Lesbians and gay men who have been abused have much more difficulty finding support.
- The isolation, that already accompanies being LGBT person in a society prejudiced against LGBT people, is compounded and made worse by domestic violence. The silence about domestic violence among LGBT people further isolates the victim/survivor as well as the perpetrator.
- Utilizing existing services may be tantamount to "coming out" which is a major life decision.
Support Services
Support services and friends often minimize domestic violence:
- The battered women's movement avoids the fact that women can be as violent and dangerous as men.
- It is assumed that two men or two women in a fight constitutes a fight between equals.
- GBT men often reject the idea that they can be victims within their own community.
- LGBT people approach most shelters, social service agencies, and providers with great caution. Their fear of further victimization through minimizing or disregarding their circumstance remains, along with the fear of rejection and degradation.
- Inall likelihood both the survivor and the abuser may lose their privacy, be "outed" or become the subject of gossip.
- The risk of losing their children to third parties is even greater for lesbian and gay couples when domestic violence is involved.
- Victims may not be as financially dependent on their partners; and children may not be a consideration as often.